I’ve come to a crossroads I suppose. I still get carded for alcohol, but even if a ‘young’ man was ever going to look in my direction (I’ll never be a MILF, ya’ll), I’m crossing into the ‘older’ category where they’re not going to anymore. Pretty soon I’ll be checking the 35-40 box on surveys. *shudder*.
Right before baby #3 was born, I looked in the mirror, completely confused as to why my head was shiny. I dug around until I figured out why the hair was so blonde so deep. Then I realized it wasn’t blonde. My hair has always been brown with a red cast in sunlight, you know the kind that gets blonde streaks if I’m out in the sun enough…not the case. Yup, my first gray hair. I don’t know how to feel about it. I suppose I can be grateful that it’s bright and shiny and not dull? I don’t know. My mom was turning white in her 20s and my dad was losing his hair that early as well. All my classmates’ parents assumed they were our grandparents. They were still in their 30s. I have never really *wanted* to dye my hair. I had highlights once when I was 27. That was a banner year for me. I tried several new things that year and felt daring. I find it funny now. Bygones. I wouldn’t mind having them again, I suppose if it kept people from assuming I was the girls’ grandmother. My mom has dyed her hair for decades, but I don’t really want to be tied to something like that if I don’t have to– the maintenance is killer. I’m not that high maintenance. I have other priorities.
I have another thing going on too. The gestational diabetes diet apparently worked well. Not only did baby stay under 9 lbs and keep us both healthy post-delivery, but it made me lose weight once the baby was born, too. 17 lb gain with the pregnancy, and roughly a 30 lb loss. Sometimes less, depending on what I’ve eaten. But 30 is round enough to give you an idea of how far I’ve dropped. Not only fat, but muscle, too. My chest sticks out WAY further than my belly for the first time in a long time. It’s weird. I’ve been chunky for years, nearly as long as I was skinny. It’s a part of my identity. I look in the mirror and see a stranger. I had lost below this current weight right before my previous pregnancy and miscarriage. I had been nursing my now toddler for around 2 years and the weight kept coming off, slowly. I didn’t like what I saw. Then I got pregnant and then lost the baby. I gained 15 lbs after that and finally felt comfortable with the mirror, and of course ate all of that emotion into weight gain/fat. Not the best idea.
So now it has happened again…I look scrawny, older, and my complexion looks weird. Waxy? Dull? Something. Just weird. Like you can see all my pores and skin cells like tectonic plates on my face.
So… crossroads. With the weight loss, I look older and strange to myself in the mirror. But of course, it’s better for me. I struggle with what I see though. I don’t know how to face the woman in the mirror. She’s a stranger. She’s me, but I don’t know her. It’s just… strange. I’m certain other people have had this happen, but I haven’t really known anyone that has spoken it aloud. I definitely should weigh less than even I do now, so it’s a good place to be, but I just don’t like what I see.
Then there’s the exercise component. I was actually looking forward to getting moving 6 weeks post-partum. But…anything brushing against my stomach hurts. I’m fairly certain I have a recurrent hernia. Which means another surgery. And when I say it hurts, I mean it hurts REALLY really… a lot. Like when I closed a bag of marshmallows after making hot chocolate, spinning the bag closed to tie it shut and the marshmallows touched my skin and I just about cried. I will have to get it looked at I guess. I won’t have surgery any time soon. I hadn’t done basically ANY exercise in the past 5 years except walking, hoping against hope that it would not recur– as it happened while doing crunches 6 weeks after my first child was born. Guess that didn’t matter. I suppose it could be something else, but it seems the most likely thing. Casey won’t even take a pacifier and gags horribly even while feeding if it’s not her taking the nipple in, so I’d have to have her where she didn’t eat for several hours at a time, and so far she eats about every hour when she’s awake, so that’s that. I know I’ll be able to walk, but any other exercise is probably pretty unlikely at this point.
So I don’t know where to go from here. I feel weird looking in the mirror. I feel so awkwardly skinny, but my husband loves it. Even if I’m a big saggy and flabby (truth-I’ve had 3 kids and won’t lie about it). I’m not sure I’ll be able to ‘exercise’ and probably face another surgery that will leave me down AGAIN. If I continue to follow any sort of diet or watch what I’m doing at all, I’m guessing I will lose at least a little bit more weight, but I’m afraid it will be muscle and not necessarily fat, because my body is eating itself, basically. I will see probably the nurse prac on Tuesday. I don’t know what she’ll be able to tell me, especially about the potential hernia. I don’t have a regular doctor. I just feel a bit stuck. Also I finally left the house (other than dr appt or Xmas eve) for the first time since baby was born almost 6 weeks ago. We did a bunch of shopping. Weird. Also I’m a germaphobe again. Lovely. Not any worse than after the other 2 kids were born, but really, how many times can you tell your kids NOT to put their mouths on the shopping cart? Gross.
I’m hoping the stuck feeling will change as the weather changes and as I can move around some more (we had 8 inches of snow here, too, that is just now melting) outside and whatnot. Maybe with a bit more of being out and about I will feel a bit more comfortable in the body that I currently have. In which I can wear my wedding ring easily, and a coat my husband bought me several years ago that never fit before. With a strange complexion and reflection. I’m not sure if it’s something to get used to or over. I seek health for my kids’ sake. But it doesn’t look like me…?!?