The last few years have changed a lot. Being a mom, twice over, losing a baby, and then having a healthy-ish pregnancy nearly to term, as well as all the other problems I’ve had… well they help you to gain perspective. Whereas 10, 5, maybe even 2 years ago I would surely find something about my body I would want to change, I find that over time I’ve just.. become comfortable. Sure, sure, I know I look in the mirror (and will once baby arrives) and think… wow. Because post baby bodies can be really scary. Everything changes–a little sag here, an extra scar or stretch mark there. Okay, 100 stretch marks there. Your body looks alien. Let’s face it–it was invaded, so there should be no surprise there, right?
But I wouldn’t change it. Would I want to be healthier, breathe a little easier, sure. Would I want to have cosmetic surgery to lift, tuck, suck, strip, enhance or the like? Not anymore. I’m not sure I would ever have gone through with something like that, but I definitely would have liked the IDEA of magically being ‘changed’ to be a better shaped version of myself. But I think the raggedy striped belly with all its’ incisions is just a part of me now.
Instead, I think I’d like a little more patience. A little less yelling a little more consideration for my kids’ feelings. A little more breathing SPACE in my routine so that I don’t feel quite so cramped would be nice. Because that’s when the patience really leaves. When it’s just me and the kids for 12 hours. Because leaving the house with even the 2 of them is like a world war. No one actually wants to PEE until they get somewhere. Giant pain in the rear. They don’t want to do their hair, or get their shoes on until I’m screaming ‘okay we won’t go anywhere then’ and then THEIR waterworks begin, and I’m thinking, why couldn’t they hear me for the past FORTY FIVE minutes that I’ve been saying all these things? I know kids have their own timing and especially since they’ve not been indoctrinated with the ‘must be somewhere on time’ of the school system yet, they don’t really consider how their actions affect other people yet. Mostly talking about my 5 year old of course, because the 2 year old does pretty much whatever, she’s more than willing to tackle any adventure, and it’s just dawning (after repeated ACTUALLY staying home) on the 5 year old that mom really is serious and I am *missing out* on stuff because I can’t get my act together and just put on my shoes without throwing a fit for the love of pete.
But it would be nice if I could be a bit more patient…I guess that’s what I’m saying 😉 because even being impatient takes energy I don’t actually have right now. 🙂