and full of holes and…
today I’m talking about the state of me. I wonder what my mom would write at this point in her life? She never outwardly bemoaned what she didn’t have when we were growing up, and I try really hard not to say anything in front of the girls.
But mommy’s pants either fall down or are way too tight. Since I lost the baby I’ve gained about 15 lbs. In six months. It’s outrageous. I’m always hungry and feel like I’m not getting enough to eat. I know I am, and I try to eat and snack reasonably but somehow the pounds have piled on, anyway. So whereas in October my pants fell down because they were too loose and you could pull them off of me, now they fall down because they sit so low on my hips.
Not only that, but all my clothes are about the same age: roughly 4 years old. After K was born I got some new clothes. I’ve already had to ditch one pair of pants due to giant holes in precarious areas. Another pair is relegated only to home use due to a giant hole in the zipper area. I have one pair of cords that so far is okay, and 2 pair of jeans I think are okay maybe a little worn in spots, another is wearing at both the zipper and the back pockets so you can see through them. *sigh* Serious state of disrepair. I’ve blathered on Facebook and maybe here a few times that I have zero winter shirts anymore. I donated a lot and what I kept doesn’t fit anymore, either. They’re just loose enough to garner a ‘not too tight’, but they don’t look GOOD either. I will be happier when I can wear my (last year’s birthday present to myself!) half a dozen summer shirts that do fit, or did before I gained weight, I guess that remains to be seen. I had to buy a next size up in everything because my shoulders and chest are so wide/large. Guess that’s extra insurance for a bit of weight gain, now isn’t it?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not far from where I was before I was pregnant with B. I had just lost a lot of weight with her and nursing and for whatever reason it is back. I’m continuing with my pedometer and walking around 7500+steps a day, which some people are proud and post all over the internet that they’re walking 1000 steps a day, and I’m thinking,’I do that before I’m done getting coffee made in the morning’ and then wonder if that’s too judgy-mcjudgerton. I guess it’s a good reminder to keep moving, even if I’m not actually losing any weight because of it. Hopefully spring will be a time of all sorts of renewal.
I definitely need a haircut. It’s still falling out rapidly but never looks thin. Whatever gets stuck to my towel after showering ends up going through the wash and wrapping around our dishcloths, so I pick 10 hairs off of it before I can wash dishes. They’re so long that instead of shaking off they’re in knots around them. It’s not gross, exactly, because it’s just hair, but still, I don’t want to try and wash dishes with hair. Eww. I have to unclog the shower drain once a month. Postpartum (twice in a row) and spring shedding is not pretty. My plan of course is to donate and I need to get an appointment.
The new make up and such that I bought has been really nice. I don’t feel as self conscious about being a sloppy SAHM when my hair is pulled back and braided and my face is ‘done’. It’s minimal to be sure, but at least it appears like I’m ‘kempt’ and that’s what I am striving for, I guess. The clothes do NOT help, though. Come on summer! Even ‘no snow’ and a bit warmer would be nice. If I could wear a t-shirt and blazer over jeans and boots, then at least it would look ‘put together’ and not ‘homeless’ which is about how I feel when I go out right now. I really hate to shop for anything when I weigh this much, though. Maybe that sounds stupid, but this is the most I’ve ever weighed except when pregnant, of course. I don’t want to encourage my body to stay there, if that makes sense. At least when my jeans are tight I remember not to dig into the candy jar and eat extra veggies instead of more pasta at dinner. Or say no to the cookies calling to me from the cabinet. Plus if what we’re hoping for happens, I don’t have any idea what size I’ll be next winter. Hmm…
I was really hoping this week would be a ‘get out and play’ week, take the kids shopping, maybe grab some new items for myself, etc. etc. but it’s turned into a snowpacalypse and stay at home sort of week, instead. Guess mommy’s pants will just have to do, for now.