It’s time to get real about going to a doctor. The intermittent bleeding has not stopped. It’s been a month. It’s been 2 periods (if they were periods). Something is wrong. Googling the issues I’m having leads to pretty much 1 thing, and it’s not a good thing. I have ZERO risk factors for it, but what can I say? My body never has done the right thing at the right time, so why should I expect any less?
It really makes me think. Hard. If my time is up, what then? Two little girls. One still nursing. That relationship hijacked. My kids, thrust in the arms of strangers every day when they’ve been fed 3 meals and snacks by me nearly every day of their lives. What if the worst happens? My husband. Alone. In his early 30’s. Don’t get me wrong, I have never had many glorious plans about what I would do with my life, but I certainly don’t want it be over. Not at this age. Not at this stage.
It could be nothing. Or it could be something really bad. I don’t know if I have the strength to be a fighter. I’m so worn down right now that I can’t imagine going through treatment for ANYTHING and coming out on the other side. I’m under stress to the maximum point my body can handle most days, I’m exhausted day and night already. I can’t imagine going on any glorious whirlwind adventures to carry me though to the end. I can’t imagine climbing a mountain or riding a bull to get a big thrill. I can’t even imagine sitting on the beach, I just want to hold my babies, and cry a lot. What if what I’ve given them just isn’t enough? What if I’ve yelled too much and hugged too little and the wisdom I’ve shared just doesn’t mean anything after a few months? What will they remember? What will they forget? Will my time on earth be just a blur of screaming ‘stop running around the table someone is going to get hurt!’? Or will it have meant something more? Will it matter that I carefully picked out clothes I thought they would like? That their rooms are painted bright colors that I chose, that I hugged extra ‘love’ into all their stuffed animals? That I did my best? Or would I simply be a faint memory?
Should I try harder now? Let nothing change so their lives are consistent? Spoil them while I have the chance?
What about my husband? How can I possibly give all my love and and attention to my kids and ignore him? He’s known me a lot longer. He’s loved me longer, he knows my thoughts without having to say a word, from across the room. He just knows. How do you leave your soul mate to pick up the pieces? What can you possibly say that says to him ‘I’m sorry’ that encompasses every fight, every night you simply passed out tired without a hug or kiss goodnight, every muttered curse when you kick into his shoes, every last penny you spent on yourself that should be going to the kid’s college funds? How do you say I love you when he already knows?
I guess the truth is, I don’t want to go to the beach. I don’t want a quiet spot to meditate. I don’t even want a big party to say goodbye. I want my crazy, loud, loving life.
I hope your doctor can figure out what’s going on! Nothing like asking Dr. Google and hearing the worst possible disease.
I hope you’ve made an appointment. No matter what the outcome of that, you need to have the peace of mind of knowing what’s going on.
As to what I would do if I got the worst news? Like you, I’d pretty much keep doing what I’m doing. I LIKE my life. I like what I do for a living, I like my house, I like where I live (except for summer – if it were summer I might go live in the mountains for a while). I guess my point is, your life is what you make of it and if you don’t like it, you change it – regardless of whether you have another 50 years or another 2 months. And if you like your life, you keep doing whatever you’re doing until it’s over.
I’ve had a few scares myself. That’s part of why I blog. My son will have a pretty good idea of who I was and what I thought about and who we were as a family because of it. But mostly, I want to leave him a legacy of love. Even if he doesn’t remember much, when he thinks of me he’ll feel warm and loved and happy.
I’ve already told my husband to be open to love after I’m gone. He’s not the kind of person who does well on his own – he needs someone to love and who will love him and I’m okay with that.
When is your appointment?
If it were my last days, I want to spend them making as many memories as I could with my kids and with Mark. Writing them letters. Taking pictures. Having pictures taken with ME in them. I’m basically absent from their photo history, because I’m always behind the camera. I would line up friends to scrap or at least develop, organize, and give the pictures to the kids and Mark. I would try to get everything in line that I could to make things easier on Mark. He doesn’t have a clue as to where the kids need to be when. Or what they should wear. Or probably even what sizes they wear at the moment. I would talk a LOT to my kids about how I was sick and getting to be with Jesus soon, and how I was sad to be leaving them, but glad to get to be with Him.
If you haven’t made an appointment yet, please get on that. You’re right, it’s time. And it could still be nothing. Or it could be a little something that has a fix. Or it could be something horrible that does NOT have a fix. But if it was fixable, and you waited to long, that would be the biggest shame. So please please please get this looked into quickly.
I love you.