I had a kind of realization a week ago, as I was dragging myself off to bed. I’d just stood and cried, apologizing profusely to the county officer that had been dragged out of his shift to check on us, because the baby dialed 911. I still have no idea how she did it. My husband was gone all last week, and we had just been talking to him on the phone. I could NOT get her to quit crying after we hung up. It wasn’t bed time yet, but she wanted to HOLD the phone, that’s all. So I let her. I’m guessing there’s a menu item for police or something?!? because it’s not labeled on the front of the phone, I would never have even let her touch it (the big kid either) if I thought they could accidentally do that… Anyway, the realization was that I never want to be a bother to anyone. I feel like if anyone takes the time to talk to me, or ‘deal’ with me that they’re just doing it out of pity or obligation. They feel like they have to. Certainly the other night was a big low for me.
Obviously anyone dropping by here does so because they’re interested in what the ‘happenings’ are. All.. you know 4 of you…and that’s okay. I like actual readers, I just wish there were more comments so I knew if you were liking what you read or not. No one wants to be a boring blogger. I started a facebook page for the blog, which got a lot of hits recently when I gave away a diaper. I’ve only lost about 8 of those new ‘fans’, but I only have one or two responses over there when I ask a question. The thought has occurred to me to abandon that page. If it’s just annoying people by clogging up their feed, why bother? Sensing a pattern here?
It’s the same with life. I don’t call my friends because they could be busy. Their kids could be sleeping and I don’t want to wake them. They could be running errands and I’d be interrupting them. It goes on and on. I torture myself with every single decision, and a lot of times, just don’t do things because I could be inconveniencing someone else. I’m in the way in stores, my kids are too loud, I can’t take a weekend haircut because some working woman really needs that time slot, she works all week. I’ve shoved myself so far down, I’m not even sure where I am anymore. I don’t feel ‘worthy’.
Some of the ‘worthy’ attaches to money. For instance, the kids always get new clothes (bought on deep discount, yes, they need them), but I rarely buy anything for myself. I recently donated nearly everything long sleeved in my closet, and just before winter, but none of it fit anymore, hopefully someone else will get some use out of the items. Post-babies nothing that was
on trend sold in any store, a few years ago when I last bought clothes fits. Nothing’s LONG enough. I’m managing by wearing the shirts I bought this summer (again I hadn’t had new for several years) with sweaters over them, or the few long sleeved shirts that KIND OF fit I wear a nursing tank under. Kind of pathetic, but those summer clothes are still sitting, unpaid for, on my credit card, so I don’t really see much option for buying long sleeved right now. Not when my husband also needs clothes.
It does make me feel ‘less worthy’ though. I don’t feel like I look good, so I don’t want to be seen anywhere. It doesn’t help that no matter how much I try, I end up with a snotty nose wiped on me SOMEWHERE, whether I can tell right away or not. All the sudden I look down, or over at my baby and there’s a dried mucus trail on my clothing. Blech. Who wants to see their brand new shirt covered in snot? Yeah, me either. It’s not worth it. Not to mention the prices are insane. I’m even MORE picky with the discounts I try and pick up on my clothes, even though they should last for several years, there’s always the chance that one of the kids will blitz the item with something that can’t be saved. Red marker, or the like. It’s not worth buying things that look good (which also pretty much mean expensive) JUST to wear at home and possibly ruined. There’s another component of course, and that’s time. I do NOT want to go clothes shopping alone, my husband hates it and the girls of course could care less, they just want to run around. The best option would be to PAY a babysitter so my husband could go with me. Therein lies the problem, you could go to a store and find out in 10 minutes that they have nothing, or try on stuff for 4 hours and still find nothing, either way you’re still paying someone so you can find clothes. No I don’t want to go buy a bunch of stuff and then say I’ll take it back if it doesn’t fit. That doesn’t work here. Goodwill is also pretty much out for the same reason. You still have to find someone to watch the kids while you shop. It’s frustrating… and not ‘worth it’. I’d rather wear the same 4 shirts than take up my husband’s precious time off work and pay a babysitter to get something new. It would be too much of a bother to him.
To that end, I don’t get my nails done, hair cut, or anything for ‘me’. The only things I generally do are sneak some ‘food treats’ into the shopping cart that my husband and I can share. I’m already doing the shopping, the hardest part is hiding them from the kids. I can’t justify expenses for anything else though. I don’t think my husband has any idea how good he ‘has it’. I have friends who get a pedicure about once a month. He just about croaked when he realized how much that costs each time. They probably feel better about themselves, treating themselves, etc. However most of them do work or go to school to further their career, so they have some justification for the ‘extras’. I just don’t. I just stay at home, I don’t bring in any money, and if I ended up in a bad situation with money, wouldn’t I feel like crap if I’d gotten a haircut but my kids needed milk and I couldn’t buy it for them?
Just not worth it, just keeps ringing in my head.
*Everyone* says you have to take the time to treat yourself so that your family can be healthy and happy. However, mine seem to be just fine with me being at the bottom all the time.