The hardest thing I’ve ever posted

This was originally set to post in April as a running dialogue of the last 9 months and was titled “Baby #3’s Journey into life”. The last 2 weeks have been unreal and I’m now going through the ‘loss’ process, so forgive me if I’m not posting as much in the next little bit. I’ve been feeling uninspired to post to say the least. I would appreciate prayers or good thoughts or whatever you’d send as we go through the physical and emotional roller coaster that is miscarriage. Love to you all.  — J

p.s. if you want to send a message longer than a comment, use the contact me tab and send me a direct e-mail. Please keep this on the blog though and off of any personal Facebook pages, etc. as most people don’t connect my real self with the blog. Thanks.

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Friday, August 10th, 2012– Hey you! About an hour ago, I found out that you were coming. What!?! Since I was 7 days late, not a real shock, but still. Aren’t you a sweet blessing and, I’ll admit it, a bit of a surprise. Must start a list of baby names, and a separate list of monikers to use for you in utero. Will you be a boy or a girl? I don’t care. As long as you’re happy, healthy, and love us as much as we love you, that’s all that counts. Your dad just came in and said ‘I guess that’s officially an ‘oops’.’ What a goofball. Hopefully by now you’ll know his sense of humor and realize that he’s just teasing. He has been ready to get another baby started for a while. You are very much loved, wanted, and .. well, even though technically a surprise, you can bet that you’ll have 2 big sisters ready and waiting to give you all sorts of love, hugs, kisses, and well, squishes! Mom and dad, too.  *love* ps we went and saw some of our friends tonight and it was SO hard not to tell!

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Saturday, August 11, 2012– Today I went shopping by myself for about 3.5 hours. It was glorious. Once I get all ‘heavy with child’, it will be a lot harder to get the other 2 to moving, so it was nice to get out now, while the weather is good and I’m still feeling okay. When I was driving home, you and I had a nice long talk, telling you all about our family, and how much you are loved, and by the evening, it was like you weren’t a surprise at all.

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Sunday, August 12, 2012–Your first church service. Fun. I didn’t eat much so I was nauseated and luckily had some gum in my purse. Just another thing to look forward to. Daddy left tonight to go to Las Vegas. The girls will miss him, we’re watching a movie and then we’ll get in jammies and hang out for a while.

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Monday, August 13, 2012–boy your sisters were rotten today and I am beat. You are the size of a sesame seed, but I swear my pants are getting tighter already! Yikes!

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Wednesday, August 15, 2012–wow, I missed a day. Anyway, same old same old. Waiting for dad to get home from Vegas. Tomorrow we visit your godparents/Auntie Stacy and then go to  Gran/Granddad’s overnight, come home and dad will be home.

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Thursday, August 16, 2012– could not keep you a secret from my friends Tricia or Stacy or your grandma Andrews. They are highly suspicious people. *sigh*

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Friday, August 17, 2012–really, keep the nausea to yourself, would you?

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Saturday, August 18, 2012–my dear, the nausea. Can you ease up? Also, we celebrated your ‘baby’ sister B’s first birthday today. What fun had by all… and hey, you got cake, too!

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Sunday, August 26, 2012–this week has gone by in a never-ending series of eat-relief of nausea-return of nausea cycles.  I can barely get anything done because I’m either helping out the older girls or trying not to be sick. I’ve been very tired as well and wanting to sleep a lot. Then I have woken up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. Sheesh. No fair!

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Tuesday, August 28, 2012–had to go to the dentist today, so 2 more people know about you. I had to say no to the x-rays and of course there’s only one reason for that, so they figured it out. ah well, just know you are welcomed by MANY MANY people, little one!

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Monday, September 17, 2012–so far so good, we have gone through a wedding and several other events with no one else figuring out you were coming! Wednesday is the big day, we get to see you and hopefully hear your heartbeat for the first time! ps.. you’re still making me sick!

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Wednesday, September 19, 2012–My darling, we saw your little picture on the screen, but there was no heartbeat. The doctor thinks something must have gone wrong in your genes, as you were developing normally. Know that you were (and are) loved and wanted and missed and will be. Always.

 

Love,

Mom