If only real life was more like college…
I’d be so happy. Not that I’m not content. In college, though, I felt like I had a purpose. People looked up to me, I had things to fight for, I had friends right down the hall I could just ‘tap tap’ and have another person’s perspective. Life was simple. As amazing and eye opening as college was for this sheltered little girl, it was ‘home’ for me, too. On rare occasions, I feel like I’m home. I have some girl friends that get together now and again, but they all have jobs, or school, and kids, and busy spouses…
… life was so much more simple when everyone was single and stayed in their own rooms most of the time. They were never too hard to find, no question ever seemed like a bother.
Maybe that’s it. I feel like I bother people now. Half the time I don’t even get answers to questions I post on here, on facebook, wherever..
I feel like I have plenty of time and no one else does. Granted if you asked me, I would say I had no time at all, the kids run me ragged..
… but I do feel like a bother. I gave up talking to my mom about things for the most part. Didn’t feel like she was really listening. Too much else going on. My husband is completely checked out, when I landed on a show tonight that was on commercial, he got up and left the room and hasn’t been back. On his computer. I’m sure he’s wildly entertained, but I’m bored. Not bored enough to go do chores, but bored. I like all of my new friends but new relationships are so tenuous, and how much can you really reveal to ‘new’ people? My ‘old’ friends have babies and take family vacations and ‘go’ non-stop. I’m busy, but it’s at home. No fun vacations for me. They volunteer and have jobs and participate in all kinds of activities, and I have no idea where they get their energy.
In college I could just take a nap and have instant energy.
Now I’m just praying for more than 4 hours of sleep that isn’t interrupted by someone crying, screaming, puking, needing to eat, or my own incessant ‘well what if this happens’ that goes ON AND ON AND ON in my head so I can’t fall asleep. I gave up a nap today to mow around the house, all that got me was a screaming kid that woke up the baby. Damned if you do. If real life was more like college, I’d simply walk down the hall, share my problems, get a new perspective and fall into a deep dreamless sleep.
Life is not like college. Only college is.
I don’t remember college being that great, but I was pretty down then. I felt so isolated then and scared to just let loose and be myself. I can see what you mean about some of the freedoms and benefits, though. It’s interesting that you posted this, because I’ve been revisiting Felicity recently and missing a bit of that innocence meets adulthood of life. One part of me hates the idea of ever dating again, but I do miss those butterflies and the feeling of wondering and anticipating that came with that stage of life. I also long for some real “me” time – not just guiltily sneaking it in here and there. It’s interesting that you talk about having too much time – when I look at your fb feeds, it seems like no one I know is accomplishing more or busier than you. You seriously put me to shame. Don’t stop reaching out and don’t think you’re a bother. You’re a great friend and friends – old and new – are lucky to have you!
I stopped trying to talk to my mom about things a long time ago. We have different views on how things should be done. She hates that I don’t ask her for advice and when I do something she wouldn’t, she yells at me. Wonder why I don’t talk to her…
I don’t talk to my mom anymore either. And it’s really sad. But you know all about that situation. And I used to talk to my grandma about EVERYTHING (she was always there to listen, even when I called her daily with the same complaints about the kids day in and day out, and never made me feel bad about it), but now she’s gone. I’ve got one really good girlfriend here, but she’s really busy so it’s hard to find that time to really get into stuff. We just have to talk super fast whenever we do have a few minutes together (she was Jacob’s teacher this year and we’re on a board together at church, so we pass by each other frequently, but I want MORE!). Otherwise it’s you and Trish. And it seems like I don’t even have the time to type out a heart-pouring-out email anymore when I really need you two! Or pick up the phone? You know how the kids are….they can be perfectly content and the MOMENT you pick up the phone, there they are with their yelling and pooping and fighting. I miss that time with you, too. I know a lot of people thought res hall life was bad and the lucky ones got off campus, but I disagree. Not any other time in my life have I had that kind of support network. College was the most fun I’ve ever had. Not that I’m not happy and rewarded and all that jazz now, but it just isn’t as fun. I used to think I was bad for thinking that, but I don’t now. I don’t think it was the “best” my life has ever been. But besides all of the fun, I miss the late night talks, even IMing when we were all just down the hall from each other, hollering out the door at you, eating together, watching tv together, taking trips to walmart together, showering together, crying and laughing together, the boy talk together…everything.
I hope I’m not overstepping here, but I have thought for a LONG time how much happier you seemed when you were involved. Had that “purpose” and “fight” that you mentioned. Student government and such agreed with you. You do have a purpose now. I WANT my purpose to be to love my children and teach them what it means to become a well-rounded, friendly, good-hearted, God-loving person. To be there when they need me, to see them learn and grow, to watch them come into their own and embrace the gifts they have been given and use them the way He intends. But I feel sometimes like my purpose as mommy is to get stepped on and beaten down all of the time by my kids. That part sucks. I guess someone has to “take” it and it’s me.
I think it will help you when your kids are older and more involved. You can get involved yourself then, which is something that you thrived on in the past. You can volunteer in the classroom or at church if you’re interested. Serving on the school board or a board at church would be right up your alley, once your kids are old enough that you can get away for a bit. Or you can get involved in the community in other ways.
You get so much done in a day. I don’t accomplish a quarter of what you do. You need to start recognizing all you do.
You aren’t a bother. I have NEVER thought of you as a bother. It would be so much easier in person. Emails are hard. Time for phone calls is next to impossible.
Most SAHM’s I know have gone through a time (sometimes it lasts a really long time, or it even comes and goes) when they feel useless. Like they have no purpose. WHich is silly when we use our heads to think about it, because OBVIOUSLY we have a HUGE purpose. But for me, anyway, since my entire life is now my kids, with a little bit of church committee involvement (which I still can’t just do how I want to because I have to work around Mark’s schedule or take the kids with me, which stinks), I feel like I’m nothing but mom. And being mom is great and all, but I miss ME. I’m so boring, and I don’t think I used to be. I talk in a cranky voice so much, and that isn’t me. Or at least it wasn’t pre-toddler me. I feel like I’m not good at anything. I can’t even TALK right anymore (at least, I’m pretty sure I don’t come across as intelligent anymore, and I at least used to be smart), and if I don’t have THAT (since you know me and my talker so well, this should make sense to you), then what on earth CAN I do? I used to think I’d be an awesome mom, and now I know I’m not that. I dont’ think I’m a bad mom, but I’m sure not what I thought I’d be.
Anyway, I think I’ve gotten off topic.
I’ve been worried about you for a while. Besides not getting enough sleep, you aren’t getting enough support from Matt, and you aren’t getting enough support from your friends. You shouldn’t have to feel so alone.
I wish I could take my good girl friends and make them all live on my block. Then we would sit on the porch and have a drink and watch the kids play. And we’d watch eachother’s kids as they all ran around the neighborhood together. And we’d be able to talk whenever we wanted and it would be idyllic. Just a fun little fantasy I’ve had for a while.