I’m not very kind to myself. Ever. Okay until I was about 10 I thought I was pretty cool. Then I had a kid look me in the face and say ‘you don’t think you’re pretty do you? because you’re not’. That was the end of kindness to myself. I was never good enough, could never do enough, every minor failure was the end of it all.
Right now I feel so fat. I’m not. Okay I’m overweight. I have a huge jiggle from four, yes, four stomach surgeries– you slice and dice that much and it IS going to jiggle, not to mention evicting a 9 lb. baby 7 months ago. Talk about stretched. Last month I started giving up soda for Lent. 10 days left. Not that I’m counting. I think it has actually been counterproductive– because not only am I pissy most of the time, but all the sudden I gained 5 lbs. Plus we got a digital scale, and that weighs 4 lbs. heavier than the other one. So it seemed like I put on 9 lbs overnight. I have been eating the minimum possible, with 1 treat a day and hoping that I can get it off. It goes up, and then down, and then up, and up, and then down. It’s really starting to piss me off. I know that 4 lb scale shift won’t ever change. So adjusting for that, I’m still 2-4 lbs heavier than I was last month most of the time. That’s STILL about 7 lbs. lower than I had been before getting pregnant… Bygones. The point is that I feel like it’s a slippery slope. This happened with my first pregnancy, too. All the sudden weight piled back on. A ton of it. Right now, my pants and shorts fit/are loose. I don’t want to lose that. But a month ago? I was eating cookies. or candy. or cake. every day. no issues. not fighting with anything. if I saw my weight go up, I didn’t eat a cookie that day. and now? I’m totally putting the brakes on eating anything most of the time. BLD and very very careful about snacks and it’s still not dropping back off. I’m HANGRY all the time (look it up it’s a real thing, and I’ve been it all my life).. and I don’t feel like a good person when I’m hangry. I really don’t. I feel mean and vindictive. This does not lead to being a very good mommy. Also, since the time change B has been waking up 1 or 2 times to eat. Cue the ‘not sleeping’ + hangry = super witch.
Who would even want to be around me? *I* don’t even want to be around me.
I’m still never going to be gorgeous. I don’t care what anyone says, short of a tummy tuck, there’s no way what 2 big babies plus 2 other procedures has done to me is going to be undone. I’m always going to have thick glasses, and spaced out teeth, and be short. I haven’t had a hair cut or my eyebrows done in forever. I guess I cut my hair sometime within the last 2 years for a donation, but my eyebrows? really thick and circa 2007 was the last time I had them waxed. horrible. I got a sports tshirt last year and some nursing tops last summer. I have nothing to wear for Easter, for B’s baptism, or etc. just jeans or cords. one tshirt actually fits nicely and hides my stomach. it’s black. not so good for either of those events. I’m on no-ones hot list. It isn’t a good feeling. Tired, hungry, deprived, and stressed out. Did I mention my husband is on a business trip, will be back for a week and then gone for another week? oh yeah. that is awesome. not. that equals cranky 3 year old in case you didn’t know… and even more super tired mommy, or super duper witch. <—— this is not a type of hoagie or sub sandwich, just to be clear.
I guess in general this is just a huge rant, and I hope you’ll forgive me, I know you’ve probably come to expect that here. Carry on.