I spent a good bit of Saturday wondering if I was really and actually, truly dead. If everything going on right now is just in my mind, some after-whisper of the brain, slowly deteriorating– the soul trapped in a box you can’t escape? I guess it comes down to feeling completely invisible. My 3 year old doesn’t listen to me. It’s like I’m not even talking. My husband moves through his day, takes what needs, and is asleep again — I’m getting the ‘ships passing in the night’ thing down pretty pat. I had some local friends come to visit, but the conversation was stilted, like there was an elephant in the room that no one would mention, but I was completely clueless as to what it was. My ‘old’ friends (who have EVERY RIGHT TO DO SO), have gotten together without me a few times. They post it on facebook, otherwise I wouldn’t know. I feel like that 13 year old that’s left out, over and over again. What happened? Is it me? Is it my kids? Wait, how often does anyone actually talk TO ME or respond to what I say directly to them on facebook, email, etc? Not really often. More often than not, it’s obliquely ignored or discussed in a general way. Brennan has been eating every hour an a half since the accident before that it was closer to 2. I feel like I’m never not with her, and that’s totally okay, but what if it’s just because my brain won’t do anything else? What if this is all happening because my ghost is inserting itself into my old life? If the accident killed me, then did Keeley survive? I just don’t know. Everything is so vivid, so real. Baby vomit smell, the color of the carpet where the table stain, well, stained it when the humidifier ran over, a hot shower. It all seems so real. But is it just a complex dream? What is real? Even in posting this, I could be furthering my own delusion, I mean, after all, SOMEONE is going to respond and assure me that I’m still alive, right?
This has been so hard to write, I mean what if someone thinks I’m actually losing it? Trust me, no one in my family is in any danger…even if I’m a totally cranky, sucky mom, I am NOT stupid or careless. On the other hand, if this is the afterlife, it’s not so bad? At least this I halfway understand. 🙂