I spent a good bit of Saturday wondering if I was really and actually, truly dead. If everything going on right now is just in my mind, some after-whisper of the brain, slowly deteriorating– the soul trapped in a box you can’t escape? I guess it comes down to feeling completely invisible. My 3 year old doesn’t listen to me. It’s like I’m not even talking. My husband moves through his day, takes what needs, and is asleep again — I’m getting the ‘ships passing in the night’ thing down pretty pat. I had some local friends come to visit, but the conversation was stilted, like there was an elephant in the room that no one would mention, but I was completely clueless as to what it was. My ‘old’ friends (who have EVERY RIGHT TO DO SO), have gotten together without me a few times. They post it on facebook, otherwise I wouldn’t know. I feel like that 13 year old that’s left out, over and over again. What happened? Is it me? Is it my kids? Wait, how often does anyone actually talk TO ME or respond to what I say directly to them on facebook, email, etc? Not really often. More often than not, it’s obliquely ignored or discussed in a general way. Brennan has been eating every hour an a half since the accident before that it was closer to 2. I feel like I’m never not with her, and that’s totally okay, but what if it’s just because my brain won’t do anything else? What if this is all happening because my ghost is inserting itself into my old life? If the accident killed me, then did Keeley survive? I just don’t know. Everything is so vivid, so real. Baby vomit smell, the color of the carpet where the table stain, well, stained it when the humidifier ran over, a hot shower. It all seems so real. But is it just a complex dream? What is real? Even in posting this, I could be furthering my own delusion, I mean, after all, SOMEONE is going to respond and assure me that I’m still alive, right?
This has been so hard to write, I mean what if someone thinks I’m actually losing it? Trust me, no one in my family is in any danger…even if I’m a totally cranky, sucky mom, I am NOT stupid or careless. On the other hand, if this is the afterlife, it’s not so bad? At least this I halfway understand. 🙂
You’re still there, Kid.
I think most moms have gotten to a point similar to this one, or at least I know I have. I can tell you that it will pass. And it will. But just passively waiting for that to happen isn’t going to help.
You need to find a new normal. If your old activities/friends aren’t working out for you anymore, it’s time to do some different things. If it’s something as simple as eating breakfast on a blanket in the living room (PICNIC!!) or build a tent or fort in the back yard or in the middle of the kitchen or having a backward day with your older one or taking a little foray into town to a store you’ve never been into before… break it up a little.
I am sorry that we’re not a little closer in distance. I’d at least bake you some cookies.
I felt that some when my son was little. We lived quite a ways out of town, which made it difficult for anyone to visit – and it was sort of out of sight, out of mind because they didn’t call much either. We didn’t have church or other activities going on to break it up so it was almost like living on another planet. Getting back to work helped, but I was still only real as long as I was at work. It was weird. It does end though. Ami has some great ideas for breaking things up. And once Brennan is older and not nursing as much, you’ll start feeling like something other than a milk machine.
Oh sweetheart – I’ve been there. Believe me, I’ve been there – and I am just starting to come out of it. Being a mom of young children puts a HUGE damper on your life. What Sayre says is true – once Brennan is older, things will pick up. Also – you have to actively get out of the house and try to find friends who are in the same boat as you…..I’m telling you, preschool is good for moms too – you meet other parents who have kids the same age as you. Slowly slowly things will get better. If you can afford it – get the kids into some Kid classes – it gets you a chance to meet other moms. It works.
Have you seen the commercial where the mom did everything and it was like she was invisible? I feel like that sometimes. Obviously you do, too. Hopefully it’ll pass with time. You aren’t the only one whose 3 year old ignores anything they say. That doesn’t make it fun, but I assure you, it’s normal.
I, too, wish we were closer. It just doesn’t make for a good day trip. I assume some of the old friends you are referring to are Trish and me. We got together last week so I could meet Emily. I wish you were closer, so I could have done that with your girls. I still haven’t met Brennan, and we need to remedy that. Trish and I have seen each other twice ever without you (not true, I suppose, because I saw her that day on my way to your baby shower back in 2008), and both times have been impromptu things. I know you two have gotten together without me before, and I admit, I was a bit jealous. I want and NEED girlfriend time, too!!! Hopefully this summer, we can work something out again with all of us. It was a really fast trip this last time because I had to be back in time to get Jacob from school. School really gets in the way of my social life 🙂
As for people responding to you, I at least know on FB, there are several. Me, your mom, Mike, Regina, Kerri are all regulars. There are others whose names I can’t think of, so they may not be so regular, but there are more. I just don’t want you to really think people aren’t responding. They are. So don’t give up on that.
You are NOT stupid. You are NOT sucky. You are a mom, and that is hard. And you are a mom who stays at home, so the kids are your ENTIRE life right now. And that’s hard. I feel like Mark and I have absolutely nothing to talk about except the children. I feel extremely boring. I like to think I’m not. It’s just where I am in my life right now.
You definitely need to keep trying on those local relationships. I’m sorry it was awkward with your playdate last week. How well do you know those people? It takes time. I’ve recently been included in a neighborhood playgroup. In fact, I hosted last week. But only one person showed up. Felt kinda weird, but at least it was the person who is easiest to talk to. There are only 7 people in the group, some were working, one was out of town, one was sick. There was only one who could have come and didn’t. I’m secretly glad she isn’t the one who came instead, because it would have been really awkward. At least the girl who came is the one who reached out to me and has been including me. But my point (I’m rambling, but you’re used to that) is that making friends is hard. It gets harder as we get older. And it’s even tougher when we worry about what our kids are going to do or how our kids are going to act. And you VERY much worry about that. Try to relax and keep trying to foster those relationships. This summer, try to meet at a park or the library or something. The park is good if you’re worried about Keeley’s behavior. She is supposed to be loud and crazy and active at the park! But if you are at a public, kid friendly place, that sometimes helps. And it’s less weird when someone wants or needs to go. It takes time to build a friendship, and it’s totally worth it to keep working on it. It took time, but some of my play dates now are about the moms, and the kids just get stuck together!
You’re quite alive. I understand how it doesn’t always feel like it. Feels like life just keeps on going, and you aren’t necessarily a part of it, except for all the crap you do. Since everything seems so vivid right now, enjoy those parts. Things aren’t always so clear.
I love you.
Oh, Jill. Reading this broke my heart. You’re still here. You’re not invisible. You’re witty and bold, compassionate and passionate, creative and witty. I’ve felt that distance and emptiness before. I am not diagnosing anything here, just sharing my experience, but that disconnect, those feelings, were signs of depression for me. I think this is definitely something you need to be talking with your husband about and not feeling like you’re wrong if he doesn’t totally “get it.” I went through one of those cycles for myself recently where I felt like my husband and I were totally disconnected and it finally got to a breaking point. It took some work, but it gets better.
I’ve said it before, but my door is always open to you. If you ever want to escape your everyday and come see the disaster that is mine – the dirty floors, toy covered floors, crazy 3 year-old who is a miniature Incredible Hulk – you are more than welcome!
More than anything, I just wish you’d be gentler with yourself. You achieve more in one day sometimes than I do in a week. Your daughter sound delightfully spirited. You have a happy, healthy baby. You don’t need to be perfect. You are wonderful.
Love, Mindy
Very well said, Mindy.
Welcome to a World we’ve all revolved and rotated on at one time or another in our lives. Re-invent yourself with simple things you’ve never tried before. And I said simple. Look at things through different eyes. Smile. Breathe. Remember that things never stay the same. They either get better. They either get worse. Make this day better. You are the only one who can control it. You Go Girl !
I know how you feel. Having a baby seemed to be the nail in the coffin that was my friendship with my closest girl friend. In the 7+ years we’ve been friends, I’ve never known her to go on a date. When I got married, things didn’t change too much. She seemed to slowly begin distancing herself from me since I didn’t want to go out to the bars all the time. Since having G she’s hardly talked to me. She came to visit in January but it was awkward. I was exhausted and it seemed like she was putting down my choice to be a SAHM rather than have a career like her. I’ve heard from her once since then. 🙁