Thoughts on a Thursday: Who do I love more?

Milk drunk and sleeping with her eyes open (she only smiles in her sleep)

Watching the world go by

Thoughts for today, well, you tell me, which one is more adorable? I know some moms fear loving another baby as much as their first. I worried about loving the second one more than the first — mostly because of the terrible twos. I also thought I’d get more of a chance to hold baby #2 in the hospital and bond better. However, Brennan was kept from us just as much as Keeley was, actually, more, because she had to stay in the nursery. I didn’t have any responsibility for her until she was a few days old, so I got to feed her and cuddle her and then just had to go back to my room. I slept a lot. I guess that was good, given the recovery I had to deal with, I could barely keep my eyes open most of the time. I wasn’t that tired with Keeley, but she had to stay in her incubator and not be cuddled. The bonding just was NOT there. It took a while to get attached to her, once we got home. It sucked. I felt like a failure for a long time, but eventually, her personality emerged and she became MY little girl. With Brennan, it really hit me hard when she was about 3 days old and we got her pictures taken. Looking over them, I realized again what we had done, what I had done. Beautiful girl, healthy and strong. Love washed over. MY little girl.

So do I love one more than the other? No. I’m sure eventually I’ll discover that they’re really different people and my love will be different for each one, but for right now, I cuddle and coo with the newborn, amazed at her blue eyes, her explosive poops and manly burps, and milk drunk smiles. I also hug, kiss and cuddle on the couch with my 2 year old, reading to her, bobbing our heads along to music, and talking about everything that happens, sharing a special treat and relishing in her round face and dark eyes, so much like mine. There’s plenty of room in my heart, in my arms and in our little family for 2 babies. Was there life before Brennan? Was there life before Keeley? I can’t really remember most days.  They are MY girls. What else matters?

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