The last few days have been pretty, well, awful. If I hadn’t gone to the library Monday and to the store on Tuesday, I might have lost my mind. Why? Because Matt’s been working 12 hour shifts. He gets up at 4 am, he’s at work by 5:30, and he’s been working until 530 or 6. Do that math in your head. That means by the time our girl is ready for bed, or PAST ready for bed, her dad is just barely getting home.
I know some people do it all the time. Not us. Usually, my hubby works until 1:30 pm, so he gets playtime and dinnertime. Sometimes he plays with her while I make dinner. Sometimes we make dinner together. So now, I’m trying to find ways to keep her entertained while I make a nice meal. Doesn’t seem right to just toss down some frozen pizza when he’s worked and been gone that long. He gets home and tells me about his day, I briefly tell him what Keeley does, he watches a tv show that bores me to tears and then he goes to bed. Add to that, I have no phone service I can use to call anyone. Which means I get to talk to … no one. A 2 year old whining for food every 15 seconds does not count.
I know that he has to work the time, and that it may net him some overtime or a day off later in the week or next week, but it still sucks. Keeley hates it when he’s gone. She’s downright snotty that I can’t magically make him appear out of thin air every time she wants him. I don’t think he gets how hard this truly is to deal with for a regular day, let alone an extended day and evening.
Everyone says I need to take some time for me, but how do I do that? I’m trying to meet people through common activities hoping we can find someone to trade babysitting duties with or something, so that we’re able to have some time together, or I’m able to have some time to do something with another mom… but it’s just not happening. Everyone our age has tweens or teenagers. I don’t have much in common with them. Do I really want to deal with someone else’s tween who hates little kids? How will she be treated elsewhere if that’s the case? Tough stuff. I kind of hoped we’d be close enough to family for them to come visit, but it ends up being maybe once a month and just for a few hours. Not enough time to get in a good visit. With Keeley needing a nap and refusing to nap anywhere but carseat or crib, it kind of cramps the traveling for us a little bit.
It’s really hard when you are completely alone. Everything seems much harder and worse when you have no one to talk to, share stories with, or even chat about the weather. Lows are lower, highs don’t get very high, life which should be full and rich seems dull and pointless. I’m one who needs to talk, at least sometimes, to get my feelings out. Otherwise, they just build up inside. Depression, anger, until they burst out, or not. It’s bad normally, and terrible now.