What time for me?
Yeah, there really isn’t any. Maybe the time I spend blogging, or checking facebook, or reading other people’s blogs. However, most of the time, I’m multitasking, I’ve got the washer going, I’m waiting on something to cook on the stove that doesn’t need supervision, I’m playing peek-a-boo, and so on. I rarely do just one thing at a time, and none of it is really for me.
I don’t think my husband really gets that. I read other people’s blogs, a lot of them for the giveaways, and to learn about products that might be of interest to me for Keeley in the future. Often, I learn about deals and coupons that I can use to save money. I saved $28 in coupons the other day and got free soap for both of us. I even got 3 cents back on the soap I bought.
I bought a pair of jeans a couple of weeks ago, or rather, Matt did, since I don’t really have any money, per se (dont’ worry, we share and share alike, it’s just wrong to say that I bought it when I clearly didn’t).. anyway, and at least they stay up, but they are the first clothing items (save socks) that have been purchased for me or by me since my birthday last June. Matt got a shirt at Christmas, and I’m pretty sure that’s the last for him too. However, he doesn’t care what he wears.
I do. Certain things look better than others. I’ve had 3 abdominal surgeries now. I’m squishy around the middle. I’m scared to death to do another sit up should I tear my self apart again and herniate. The few shirts that look good, I wear out, but they are already starting to fade, poor things. The rest are getting mystery stains, no idea what they are, they aren’t colored stains, but they don’t wash out, either, and just look greasy.
I have a wedding to go to in July for my cousin Amy. Matt will wear khakis and a polo shirt. I will never find anything to wear and probably end up wearing something from pre-baby days that doesn’t fit right. It is around 2 hours or so away from us and is in the evening so we are getting a hotel room and a roll away crib for Keeley. Should be fun. My mom is going to hang out and check on her while we enjoy the party. We’ve never gotten to do that before, and in fact have done absolutely zero ‘fun’ since Keeley was born–save the shopping trip a year ago, and Keeley came with me. Nothing for me, and certainly nothing for ‘us’. Now Matt? He’s gotten to go to several movies, and even DAY LONG car events by himself. He gets a break by going to work and then kind of wonders why I’m burnt out at the end of the day. I mean, he knows, but jeez.
Then enter in the house thing, and it’s coming down to the wire. We’re in, we have a LOT unpacked, a few things still in boxes or containers, and Matt is now having to work as much as humanly possible to try and get the house done. Apparently the bank is tired of waiting on us (and who can blame them?) so they ordered the appraisal. Umm, yeah. Drywall went up today, more tomorrow, as well as some walls and etc. should get finished. That means Matt took time off of work and will have to make it up the next week, which means I have longer days with Keeley.
Not complaining, I love being with her, but I do wish that someone else could wipe her hands for the 15th time she finds a minuscule spot of something on her high chair try and smears it around. Wipe up the milk from the floor when I turn my back to wash dishes and she wastes a whole glass. Figure out she’s dirty and change her diaper. Pour another cup of cheerios (chocolate, regular, or fruity) out for her to snack on so I can make myself something to eat (finally)–and then share with her like she hasn’t already eaten a whole plate of food AND the cheerios. Pick up the toys one more time. Pay the bills.
Right now, I won’t be getting any me time any too soon. I ‘got’ to drive to the lumber yard to pick up stuff today, while Keeley was napping. I could have done 100 other things that needed done, or just hung out for myself, but I went because everyone else was upstairs working, and of course, she was awake when I got back. Dirty.
Other people go shopping or get their nails done (like my friend Val, who I am SOO envious of right now!) but I have little kid paint on my toenails, and look for $1 clearance stuff at Wal-Mart so Keeley can at least have a varied wardrobe for the next year or so. The way she’s not growing, she will be in those clothes for a long time.
But, around here, life is not bubble wrapped, no one is in a pretty vase like delicate flowers, we get bloody noses, and dirty diapers, and sometimes a little mold grows if someone forgets to dump the coffee ground for a week…but we make it through. We carry on and make it work. I wish we would get a break every once in a while, it would be nice. Doesn’t seem like it’s in the cards though.
I’m holding out for July and the wedding. Hopefully things will be calm by then. Oh and Matt’s ready for another baby. I want to know where we will put it since the upstairs isn’t done. He wants to gab about buying another new vehicle/old one since I can’t POSSIBLY handle putting Keeley and a baby in the truck. I think that’s one of the silliest things I’ve ever heard, and kind of a lame way for him to basically say he wants a different car. He said he would be fine with the one he’s got for a while. Apparently, he lied. Or at least can’t follow through with it.
Quite frankly, I don’t want to hear about babies, or cars. I want to hear about a house that’s complete, a mortgage note signed, a budget we can stick with that includes me perhaps getting a haircut once every quarter or so, a stocked pantry, and maybe a visit to my friends. A date night with my hubby where we don’t have to worry about Keeley. Some time to myself to just.. I don’t know, sleep. I want my batteries to be recharged at least once before we consider other.. possibilities. I want to feel like a WIFE again and not just a bedwarmer/dinner maker/future baby incubator, cause that is about how I feel. I don’t feel important in the slightest. I don’t feel like I matter.
I want to be ME again, at least for a little bit. Anyone know where to find me? I can’t promise a reward, but maybe the blog will be more exciting if I can find me again.
He needs to see this post.
Ok….two things….I am about to leave a hideously long comment on your blog and it may not come off “nice”. PLEASE know my intentions ARE nice and ARE good and I speak from experience (both my own and watching other friends go through this).
First…YOU have to make time for YOU. No one else will. When Morgan was born, I became a Mama. But, I was still Kellie. My priorities shifted (read: no longer would I drop $100+ on A pair of shoes) and my weekends were no longer spent doing what I wanted, when I wanted, with friends, family or my then significant other. But….BUT…I managed to carve out an hour EVERY DAY for ME. Some days, that hour would be spent in my bedroom (door shut and locked if possible). I would read, watch tv, or just lie on my bed and BE. Other days, that hour would be wandering around Target, Michael’s or the library. Some days, I would run errands (not exactly ME time, but MUCH easier to do when not hauling a baby/toddler with me). I’d go visit a friend, sit in the park and take photos. Anything to get that small re-charge I didn’t just need, but I wanted. Once a month, I’d pack an overnight bag and head North to my Mom’s. Alone. I’d spend the weekend chilling with my family, going out with friends I don’t get to see daily/weekly and getting a much need and wanted, but bigger, re-charge. All while knowing my girly was home with Daddy. This was HUGE–she learned Mama can go away and will come back; she learned Daddy (and Grandma at times) can, and WILL, take care of her and Daddy? Learned that a) it’s NOT easy to be the primary caregiver and b) my job is just as demanding and tiring as his. It also showed HUGE trust–it’s hard for Mamas to hand over care to someone when we’re the ones that do it day in and day out. I’d leave “basic guidelines” for him–bottles/food, bath/ bed, etc. Not rules….just a way to guide him since he wasn’t the one to do these things and they were new to him.
Second…you HAVE to make time for your relationship with your husband. No excused. No putting it off. Weekly, pick one night that’s YOUR night. On this night, put that baby to bed even 30 minutes earlier than usual. Sit down to a meal that doesn’t include toddler size pieces of food, getting up to get her more milk or whatever. Sit at the dining room table–dim the lights and enjoy each other. Limit your conversations regarding your girl to FIVE or TEN minutes max. A quick run through of her day and then? Move on to each other. Once a month, GO OUT! Get someone to come stay with her and GET OUT! Dinner, a movie, a walk, anything that’s just you and he. It’s HUGELY important to connect as husband and wife, as partners, once we have children. Trust me…this is a road I’ve been down and it nearly destroyed my marriage. You’re not JUST parents now–you’re husband and wife, lovers, friends, partners in crime. You have to work even harder now to get that spark back that you had before having a baby.
Third….be physical. No, I’m not getting all up in your bedroom business. When he walks by, reach out and grab his hand; give him a kiss. He needs to do the same. As woman, we don’t just want to be seen as the baby Mama or the one that runs the dishwasher and writes the check for the light bill. We need to be told we’re beautiful, we’re sexy and that he loves us. We need to feel that connection by him being the one to reach out and hold our hand or give us a kiss. I can be having the shittest day EVER–my husband will walk by and do nothing more than put his hand on my head or the small of my back. That’s it. No words and it lasts less than 10 seconds, but it’s an awesome feeling.
Fourth…you budget and save and do what you can to make sure your family has what it needs. Now? Work into your budget a haircut every 6 or 8 weeks. No one says you have to go to a salon and drop $100 each time. I get my haircut every 5 to 6 weeks and highlighted twice a YEAR. Haircut is $35 but, worth it. The less you pay, sometimes, it shows. I thought I had good hair when I was paying $18. And then I went to my friend’s friend’s salon and sweet shit….what a difference. My hair is awesome and I love it and I feel good about myself and that? You can NOT put a price on.
In sticking with the above….why can’t you get new clothes? Your daughter deserves them, right? Why don’t you? Again, not saying you need to drop a thousand dollars every month. If you can’t, truly, justify new new clothes….hit up consignment shops. We have one about a mile away with AWESOME clothes–for real. Check it: I got a pair of Seven jeans that looked brand new (this particular place only takes clothes that have been very, very gently used) for $18. And let me tell you this: they ain’t no Wal-Hell/Target/Kohl’s jeans. They fit me AMAZINGLY well from the minute I put them on until I take them off 18 hours later. I KNOW I look good in them and that? Is HUGE for my self-esteem. Hit up eBay for clothes or Craigslist. When you feel good about what you wear, it reflects in the way your carry yourself, the way you hold your head up a bit higher. And that will be picked up on those around you.
And yet more with the above…make-up. No, you don’t need to spend a fortune and no, you don’t need to be made up daily as if you’re going out on the town. If you’re a simple girl, swipe some tinted moisturizer on–it gives your face much need moisture, SPF protection and light coverage. Your skin looks dewy and fresh. Slap some mascara on your lashes and maybe a swipe of glossy stuff on the lips–there are some AWESOME products like Nivea for your lips–keeps them hydrated with a hint of shine.
Same with your hair–DO IT! With my haircut, I don’t have to wash it daily (thank God!). On the days I can’t/don’t feel like showering, I spray some water on it, comb it out, hit with the straightener and tra-la…..it looks AWESOME (second day hair is far better!). Again, I feel good about myself and those around me notice.
You CAN make the time for all of this. It takes some juggling, but once you get into a routine of doing it, it’s second nature and part of the day.
I’m extremely fortunate in that my husband doesn’t ever make me feel like my job is less important than his. Yes, he makes the money that provides everything for us. But, I’m a HUGE part of the operation, too. By my being home, I’m saving over a grand a month in childcare–huge relief off his shoulders. Me being home means the house is clean, the fridge is stocked. I don’t do his laundry or take the garbage out. My justification: I do everything else while taking care of my 4 year old (and soon to be newborn). He’s a big boy and perfectly capable of washing his own underwear and taking the garbage out. And it works for us.
Another thing…if you don’t tell your husband how you’re feeling, he truly won’t know. Boys are dumb–especially when it comes to women. They see, on the outside, that we’re alive and functioning. What they don’t see, or pick up on, is that we’re doing it on autopilot and barely hanging on by a thread. They don’t see that we’re *this* close to losing our shit and throwing silverware at the walls. TELL HIM! Show him this post.
My marriage took a severe hit once we had a child. It took an even bigger hit when the OT at work dried up and we went from living off $1200 a week to $800. Yes, still a decent amount, but when you’re use to $1200 a week and then you don’t have it? Shit gets nasty. You start becoming resentful and that’s NOT cool. But, at the end of the day, we each choose to be here. We each choose to share our lives with the other one and we each choose to work together, not against each other, to make it work. It takes time and patience and dedication. It’s not always easy to line a sitter up so we can go out for a few hours, but we make it work. We HAVE to. It’s what recharges us as a couple and that? Is the most important thing. It doesn’t matter what your house looks like, if it’s brand new or 100 years old; it doesn’t matter if your cars are 6 minutes old or 6 years old; it doesn’t matter if you look at another person’s life with envy and wish it was your’s. At the end of the day, you have what you have and you own it. You do whatever you have to make it your’s; to make it what YOU want.
Getting the time for you as Jill (NOT Mama, NOT a wife, NOT a daughter/sister/friend) and getting the time for you and Matt as a couple is NOT easy, but it CAN be done. You worked really hard (REALLY hard) with this house thing, right? Because it’s what you guys wanted. Guess what? Time for you as a person and as a couple needs the same dedication and patience.
I am sorry for going on and on and if I’ve overstepped in any way, I am sorry. If you want to e-mail me, feel free. Again, I’m HUGE on things like this and making it work. Believe me.
The problem is that I DO get all of this. I understand it, and yes, he will read the post when he gets around to it, I know that. Maybe this is just a not so subtle cry for help. I’ve tried repeatedly to tell him, but he finds it easier just to shut me down instead of listen. Basically *I* am not allowed to be frustrated is what it amounts to. A couple of times earlier this year he actually touched my shoulder when we went for walks and I went overboard saying how nice it was, but apparently that isn’t enough of a hint to let him know he should do it some more. He would tell you that he tries to do this stuff, but he goes about it the wrong way-like a demand instead of a gesture, if that makes sense. I miss the husband I used to have, the one that was my best friend and just wanted to BE with me. He doesn’t want to BE with me, he wants to be with the baby. I told him it would happen before we even got pregnant, but he didn’t believe me. I’ve spent 27 months forming a cute, healthy, happy kid, and feel like I should get SOMETHING out of it before launching back into the baby business again. You know, like a DATE, since we haven’t had one since before she was born? I really really wish there was someone to watch Keeley, but there just isn’t. I guess eventually everything will fall into place, we’re just at a bad crossroads right now, with the house needing done, you know 6 months ago, we’re both under a lot of stress and there is nothing to fix it but WORK on the house, and that just makes a pretty big circle of angst all over again, because that seems to be part of what is the issue, he HAS to make time for the house and Keeley would just have a fit if he didn’t make time for her, but I have to be the mature one and be bottom of the list, because I’m the grown up. Believe me, he does work hard and he’s a good dad, but it doesn’t leave much left over for me. Which sounds terribly selfish.
I could have written this a few years ago – and I could have written Kellie’s response too. Once you get into a grind, it’s awfully hard to get out, even when the other person knows all about it. And sometimes it takes a crisis to wake everyone up, which is sad. It did for us. Even now, I am the go-to person in this family, but when I say I need a break, I consider it fair warning and then I take one. I tell my husband I need to leave for a day or two. Or I do what I did the other day, which was just conk out. I went until my body literally couldn’t keep up anymore and it shut down. Ironically, just before that happened, my husband had suggested that it was time for me to go away for a couple of days because I was getting ragged around the edges.
Your husband needs to know this – and to know that there will be no more babies until he’s ready to see (and do something about) the things that YOU need. If you think it’s hard now, it will be that much harder after a second one. I think that may be why I stopped at one (though I got to watch my mom cope with all of this, having had SIX).
I’m glad I came back so I could read your response.
One thing sticks out in your response that is NOT right and that is: “Keeley would just have a fit if he didn’t make time for her.”
BULLSHITE! She’s a CHILD. She needs to learn, from a very early age, it’s NOT all about her. Lemme tell you this…when Morgan was around Keeley’s age and would see Jimmy and I hug or kiss or even hold hands, she’d pitch a HUGE fit. And that was enough for us to NOT do it. Until one day I was all “Oh, hell no.” My kid will grow up seeing Mommy and Daddy be affectionate to each other because I want HER to know that’s how a healthy, happy relationship is.
It’s no different than you and Matt taking time for the two of you. Keeley has to learn that it’s okay; that this is how Mamas and Daddies are. If it’s The Keeley Show all day, all the time…she’s going to grow up spoiled and turn into a brat anytime someone other than her so much as looks in Matt’s direction. Maybe not now…but it WILL happen. And then, you have to undo it and that is NOT a bucket of good times.
I don’t like that it all changed once you were pregnant or had the baby. Yes, I absolutely get how your life is smashed to pieces once a tiny human arrives. Believe me, I do. But, just because this new little person is the focus of your (or your husband’s) energy and focus does NOT mean it’s okay to let all effort with your partner fall to the wayside.
I understand you guys are in a stressful spot right now. This whole house business is VERY stressful and neither of you have the time or energy for much else. I get it.
And again, I call BULLSHITE! I don’t give a CRAP what’s going on in your life–you HAVE to make time for your partner, your best friend. There’s no choice. If that person starts to feel that they’ve been moved to the bottom of the priority list, eventually? That person will begin to feel nothing but resentment and contempt for their partner. It’s a slippery slope and once you start sliding down it, it’s incredibly hard to get back up.
I say what I say because I not only care for you (regardless of the fact that we’ve never met) and because I’ve BEEN there. I’m STILL there at times. Everyday, we have to work at it; to not lose sight of what we had before the babies and the bigger bills and the weekends spent at animal farms or apple orchards; looking at bigger homes or making a will. We find ourselves slipping to that old spot now and then and we’re quick to smack the other one in the ass and tell them to GET ON IT!
If you’re only seen as the Baby Mama, then shut that baby factory down. You need to be seen as the Queen of his damn world! You and he, together, made that awesome child; you and he, together, have gotten where you are today with hard work and sacrifice.
Boys ARE dumb when it comes to women and feelings. They need to be told, shown, etc. My husband is extremely intelligent but, when it comes to chicks? He’s not all that bright.
Matt sounds like a great guy. He just needs some guidance on how to get back that lovin’ feeling and that? Is okay.
I am not going to offer advice at this point, but just wanted to let you know I read this, I’m thinking of you, praying for you both, and I’m just a phone call away. I guess one little thing, which has already been said – you HAVE to figure something out to get in some you time. I don’t know how in the world anyone can carve out an hour to themselves every day (not judging, Kellie – perhaps a bit jealous), but even if it means putting Keeley in her crib so you can pee in peace, or telling Matt “I’m done for the day. I know you’ve worked all day, but I need a break, and you will be bathing Keeley/doing dishes/starting laundry” etc. And if Matt doesn’t like it, that’s too bad. It’s part of the give and take of marriage/parenthood. There’s more I could say, but I said I wasn’t offering advice, and since I already lied, I need to stop. But things have to change, because you can’t do this forever. And it’s exactly what’ll happen unless you do something about it.
Totally agree with everything Kellie said. It’s taken quite a few emotional meltdowns (myself and kids included) for me to finally realize that I have to get out and do things, even if it’s walking around Target for 2 hours, it’s time by myself. And it doesn’t have to cost money. Sure I go and get my hair done or feet done every once in awhile but I don’t spend money on new clothes or shoes or purses so I think it’s an even trade. Our husbands get to get away from their jobs when the work day is over and have their weekends off. We don’t. It’s a 24/7 job. Matt needs to know. And you need to start taking the time now because it’s only going to get more difficult once you do decide to have another baby. Happy Mommy = Happy Family! 🙂
Jill, my heart goes out to you. Find another mom, a counselor, a minister, someone you can talk with and brainstorm how to find yourself again – even if you don’t know them well at first, you need someone there in person to help you find your way through this. Prayers and thoughts and hugs to you.