Sometimes I only write about the good, and sometimes only the bad. Usually it’s good about the baby and bad about everything else, it seems. Maybe that isn’t quite fair. The baby has bad days too, granted, a LOT of it is spurred on by the ‘everything else’ (like stupid neighbors)…our six month lease was due up Nov. 1st. We really thought we’d be kicked out by now, but the downstairs and the top garage apartment are both empty, so I’m thinking she wants to keep our money here, which is good for us.
Here’s what’s going on, really, and it pains me to be so honest:
1. I’m not kidding about feeling mentally ill (you notice I didn’t say crazy, right?) I’m just overwhelmed and if you read on, you might see why.
2. Baby girl just screams EHH! every time she isn’t getting what she wants, or fast enough. It really pisses me off.
3. I try for hours on end to get her to say ‘please’ or ‘ma ma’ when she’s in her high chair and does it. Now she says EHH! and I say ‘what are you supposed to say’ and she says ‘peas!’ THAT is music to my ears and I fought for that really hard!
4. Sometimes? It all gets to be overwhelming. I yell at the baby. Then I cry. I know it’s not right. But unlike a lot of people, we don’t have visitors once a month/week who whisk the baby/child/whatever off for a grand adventure to give us a break. The only way I get a break is by being driven an hour and a half to visit family, and handing her off to anyone who will take her. Then I just sit still hoping if I don’t make any movements, it will be like I’m the rabbit that ‘freezes’ and baby girl won’t see me and cry.
5. Granted, it’s nice for her to like me, but lately, I just don’t know what to do with her. She screams no matter if I’m holding her or not, so what’s the point of having my ears bleed? Not that I don’t hold her, hug her, fly her around the room like an airplane, but still, sometimes, it’s downright annoying.
6. I’m sure it’s just a stage we’re going through and in a few weeks it will be something different, but right now it’s kind of hard to handle. Plus my husband is work overtime and we’re in the mid stages of house stuff and it’s almost too much for him at the end of the day when she screams, too.
7. My parent’s house is being torn out to remodel. I hope they do it soon, as there’s no real place to put the baby right now.
8. My in-laws hate me. I never thought I’d say it, but it’s true. They won’t even see Keeley if I’m in the car, and it’s over an hour’s drive, and with Keeley nursing, it’s pretty much impossible for me NOT to be in the car, unless Matt were to let me out to stand in the road. They really hate us that much. I’m not going to say why, I don’t air that kind of dirty laundry in public.
9. If you really want to know why, comment and I’ll send you a private message. They’ve canceled Christmas, it’s very very sad. I’ve done all I can at this point to make things right, even though *I* shouldn’t have had to grovel, considering the situation, I did so and it still wasn’t accepted as ‘good enough’.
10. The neighbors are still jerks.
11. The washing machine is acting up.
12. The toilet still doesn’t seem right and our shower is still broken.
13. Our vacuum cleaner was on its last bag and started smelling HOT! They don’t sell the bags anymore, so we had to get a new vacuum. It has a really short cord.
Now here’s some good:
14. Keeley sometimes sits and plays on her own so I can get things done.
15. She hugs or snuggles or kisses her stuffed animals, but doesn’t hit them or yell at them, which leads me to believe that we’re still doing okay!
16. She recognizes several of her toys by name and can go and get the one we’re talking about.
17. If you say farmer or sing old macdonald, about half the time she will say ‘ei ei’. We haven’t gotten to ‘o’ apparently!
18. I’m still in love, and he’s still in love, even if we’re too exhausted, have no time, or anything, the bond is still there.
19. I have a lot of shopping completed. I still want to go visit some other stores around the holidays, just because I like to, but they’re out of my reach on a drive. That’s kind of half good/half bad.
20. Did I mention being exhausted? At least that means I sleep at night, which is a good thing, I guess. It also feels like another area in my stomach herniated. I officially give up. I haven’t even started to exercise and my body is telling me no. Why do I even try?
That’s about all I have today. My life in a little nutshell. As you can tell, it’s a lot annoying, and a little sweet. So far most days the sweet still gets me through.
Oh my, what a lot you have going on!! I would like to drop in and take you shopping, but the facts that I am still not allowed to drive and that you chose to live so far away sort of stop that.
Inlaws.. well, you remember the difference between inlaws and outlaws, right?? Outlaws are wanted. If you feel like sharing, you know where I am.
As for the demanding little one, I tell ya, the I WANT IT NOW phase isn’t fun, and I remember going thru it with my two.
They are both still alive, so although I can’t tell you exactly how we got through it, we evidently did.
Is there a moms club or la leche league in your area? You might enjoy the company of some other moms.
sending hugs
Hi. I came over via Ami to send you a little virtual love. It sure sounds like you have a lot going on right now. We do too, so I know how it feels and I REALLY know how it feels to not be able to talk to anyone about it . . .really.
These phases are really just phases that have to be toughed out and one day you’ll have so many wonderful heart filled stories to share, that you’ll wonder why you were worried and overwhelmed at all.
Stay strong. Reach out to us via blog land. We’re always here. Ranting on blogs is always perfectly acceptable.
I too am coming over from Ami (the Mental one).
I have 4 of those children things. And let me tell you (and coming from a complete stranger may or may not mean diddly) but feeling overwhelmed and a little mentally unstable? Been there. Done that. Weekly. If not daily.
But your “good things” on this post are VERY good things!! Heck, even the fact that your mind can come up with good things is a good thing!!
Having gone through the “screaming for no good reason” stage with my kiddos, I could give you all kinds of advice. But, I will refrain because I do not know you or your baby.
If you’re interested, stop by my place, drop me a line and I can shoot off tons of pointless, random advice.
Hang in there!
Jackie
I’ve come over from the mental one, as well…
Oh my gosh! I so hear you! My own situation with my now 11, almost 12, year old was not much different and I was depressed! I’d be happy to tell you more about what helped, but the big thing was time. Every age, while having it’s challenges, has been easier than the last…well, up until now. The last stage was easier than this hormonal one we’re going through now, but it’s still so, so much easier than when she was a baby/toddler/preschooler.
Getting out of the house was almost always an immediate help. The park, the mall, indoor play park, a museum. It hardly maters where, but it helps to change things up and I behaved much better in public. 🙂
Good luck and hang in there!
Pssst! Ami sent me!
Sounds like you are in a tough place right now! My kids are grown and all of us have survived! We went through some really difficult times but everything turned out ok! Hubby and I were just telling our son, who is 21, that we were wondering if he would live to be an adult! His stubborn nature was horrible for us as parents but we knew it would be a good trait as an adult! Turns out we were right! He had some sensory integration difficulties which have calmed down and, after all, he is an adult so he has to deal with it himself.
Try to keep your spirits up! Get out of the house as often as possible even just a walk with the stroller! Slow, deep breathing helps as well!
Also from Ami. I post less when I am falling apart, so it’s good you post. I’m afraid now that DS is older he’ll one day say, “I can’t believe you wrote that about me?!” Of course, I can’t believe he did that! I do tweet some of the things (in the side bar), which gives a bit of a disjointed picture. Yesterday was definitely a doozy, where is that big yellow school bus kind of day. And my family is plane rides away. The in-laws are, thankfully, as well :-).
Hang in. Hang on. Hold on to the moments that make it worth it.
Oh, honey! Hang in there. I’ve been sent by Mental Ami as well. My first and my last sons were really hard babies. Nothing made them happy, nothing made them sleep … it was so hard. I felt like everything I did was wrong. And, my dh was working at two restaurants at the time. I remember standing on the porch, crying, holding a crying baby and waiting for him to get home at 3 am just to get a break. I am 18 years removed from this and I get weepy and flustered just typing about it.
Are you opposed to joining a church (sorry, I haven’t read the rest of your blog)? Really, I’m not a church-y type, but it was a lifesaver when my boys were little – just an hour or two every week makes a huge difference. And, now, my kids are older and I can offer the same break to the women who need it now.
If you’re anywhere near Orlando, I’d be happy to watch your little person (I have references) so you can take a nap or do something just all by yourself.
Hang in there, cliche, yes, but it REALLY won’t last forever!!!
I showed up all on my own. 🙂
It is so ironic that you posted this. I was just thinking to myself how I could have done things differently when my children were babies – I didn’t enjoy them very much. I am in no way insinuating that you are not enjoying Keeley. I’m just saying that I think she can feel your angst – I know that was the case with my kids. Upset, stressed momma = upset, crying child.
I didn’t have anyone to hand my kids off to either. My mom had just passed when I was preggers with my youngest. My in-laws dislike me VERY, VERY much so that wasn’t an option.
Anyhoo, I just see a lot of similarities with your situation and mine a few years back. I’m not sure I have any answers, but I am here if you need to vent.
Take care of yourself – I know it’s not the easiest thing to do, but the stress will get to you if you don’t.
Oh, sweetie, you should have called!!! At least I could have pretended like your head was on my shoulder!
If you truly are concerned about mental illness, you need to talk to your doctor. Friends are great for support, but do not take the place of a doctor’s opinion. Your doctor can refer you to someone perhaps for counseling or even consider prescribing something for you. I know you’re nursing, but there are lots of options out there if you think that is a route that might help. Medicines and counseling do not make a person weak. I think it takes a strong person to say “I think I may have a problem, now I’m going to see what I can do to help myself.” I’m not saying this is what you need – hopefully you know me well enough to know I love you and just want you to be as healthy as can be! So if you’re really worried, talk to someone. Hopefully, once you guys are in your own place, a lot of your stress will lift and you won’t feel as overwhelmed.
I’m sorry your in-laws hate you. It’s a shame that they have taken the route they have. Just know that you’ve gone above and beyond what was expected of you in the situation. There is nothing more you can do. Just keep creating opportunities for them to see Keeley. It’s their choice what they do with those opportunities. Oh, and do NOT have Matt drop you off to stand in the road while he takes Keeley to visit grandparents. That is ridiculous, demeaning, and disrespectful to you. Don’t go that far. Keeley and Matt should NEVER have to see you treated as such, even if someone may think that would be you acting as the “bigger person.”
I know what it’s like not to have help. Mark’s schedule is so much better since he started with the hospitalist service last July, but for all of Jacob and Lauren’s babyhood, he worked 10-14 hour days, and only got 2 days off a month, and was gone over night – for 30 straight hours – about 7 times a month. Then there were the couple of months when he worked nights only, so I single parented 24/7, and had to keep them quiet in the day while he was sleeping. My in-laws did come to visit once every 2-3 weeks, but just for the day, and never did they take the kids so I could get some peace. But having them around to entertain once or twice a month was better than what you’ve got. But still, there was no one to call for help, or even company, until I started meeting people at the park district when Jacob was 21 months old. It was a lonely 21 months.
I know you know it, but kids scream. She’s at an age when screaming is great fun, it’s also an effective way for her to communicate. It’s not fun. My kids STILL seem to think that when they scream, cry, fuss, or yell, things will magically go their way. They NEVER get their way when they scream, etc, so how they have learned to do that every time is beyond me. And then there is the screeching. Whether they are PO’d, delighted, whatever, they’re always screeching. I feel like I’ll never have peace and quiet again.
I have good kids. I really do. And they drive me nuts, and I wonder about my sanity. Especially with what seems to run in the family.
So Keeley will drive you nuts, and you’ll feel bad that you feel that way about your kid. Nothing anybody says REALLY seems to help, because it doesn’t take away the problem. And yet, you don’t WANT the problem to go away. Because that means Keeley goes away. It’s this huge catch-22 thing with your feelings.
And you are SO NORMAL to feel that way.
Not that it makes you feel any better!
And congrats on the good things! It’s hard to come up with good things when so much crap is going on. I’m proud of you that you tried, and look at all you came up with! Be sure to get video of Keeley singing “ei ei.” I would love to see it!
P.S. I yell at my kids, too. I hate myself while I’m doing it, but it happens. Way more often than I’d like. I worry that they are just going to remember be yelling at them their entire childhoods. It would help if Jacob would follow directions BEFORE I escalate to yelling. I rarely start there.