Sometimes I only write about the good, and sometimes only the bad. Usually it’s good about the baby and bad about everything else, it seems. Maybe that isn’t quite fair. The baby has bad days too, granted, a LOT of it is spurred on by the ‘everything else’ (like stupid neighbors)…our six month lease was due up Nov. 1st. We really thought we’d be kicked out by now, but the downstairs and the top garage apartment are both empty, so I’m thinking she wants to keep our money here, which is good for us.
Here’s what’s going on, really, and it pains me to be so honest:
1. I’m not kidding about feeling mentally ill (you notice I didn’t say crazy, right?) I’m just overwhelmed and if you read on, you might see why.
2. Baby girl just screams EHH! every time she isn’t getting what she wants, or fast enough. It really pisses me off.
3. I try for hours on end to get her to say ‘please’ or ‘ma ma’ when she’s in her high chair and does it. Now she says EHH! and I say ‘what are you supposed to say’ and she says ‘peas!’ THAT is music to my ears and I fought for that really hard!
4. Sometimes? It all gets to be overwhelming. I yell at the baby. Then I cry. I know it’s not right. But unlike a lot of people, we don’t have visitors once a month/week who whisk the baby/child/whatever off for a grand adventure to give us a break. The only way I get a break is by being driven an hour and a half to visit family, and handing her off to anyone who will take her. Then I just sit still hoping if I don’t make any movements, it will be like I’m the rabbit that ‘freezes’ and baby girl won’t see me and cry.
5. Granted, it’s nice for her to like me, but lately, I just don’t know what to do with her. She screams no matter if I’m holding her or not, so what’s the point of having my ears bleed? Not that I don’t hold her, hug her, fly her around the room like an airplane, but still, sometimes, it’s downright annoying.
6. I’m sure it’s just a stage we’re going through and in a few weeks it will be something different, but right now it’s kind of hard to handle. Plus my husband is work overtime and we’re in the mid stages of house stuff and it’s almost too much for him at the end of the day when she screams, too.
7. My parent’s house is being torn out to remodel. I hope they do it soon, as there’s no real place to put the baby right now.
8. My in-laws hate me. I never thought I’d say it, but it’s true. They won’t even see Keeley if I’m in the car, and it’s over an hour’s drive, and with Keeley nursing, it’s pretty much impossible for me NOT to be in the car, unless Matt were to let me out to stand in the road. They really hate us that much. I’m not going to say why, I don’t air that kind of dirty laundry in public.
9. If you really want to know why, comment and I’ll send you a private message. They’ve canceled Christmas, it’s very very sad. I’ve done all I can at this point to make things right, even though *I* shouldn’t have had to grovel, considering the situation, I did so and it still wasn’t accepted as ‘good enough’.
10. The neighbors are still jerks.
11. The washing machine is acting up.
12. The toilet still doesn’t seem right and our shower is still broken.
13. Our vacuum cleaner was on its last bag and started smelling HOT! They don’t sell the bags anymore, so we had to get a new vacuum. It has a really short cord.
Now here’s some good:
14. Keeley sometimes sits and plays on her own so I can get things done.
15. She hugs or snuggles or kisses her stuffed animals, but doesn’t hit them or yell at them, which leads me to believe that we’re still doing okay!
16. She recognizes several of her toys by name and can go and get the one we’re talking about.
17. If you say farmer or sing old macdonald, about half the time she will say ‘ei ei’. We haven’t gotten to ‘o’ apparently!
18. I’m still in love, and he’s still in love, even if we’re too exhausted, have no time, or anything, the bond is still there.
19. I have a lot of shopping completed. I still want to go visit some other stores around the holidays, just because I like to, but they’re out of my reach on a drive. That’s kind of half good/half bad.
20. Did I mention being exhausted? At least that means I sleep at night, which is a good thing, I guess. It also feels like another area in my stomach herniated. I officially give up. I haven’t even started to exercise and my body is telling me no. Why do I even try?
That’s about all I have today. My life in a little nutshell. As you can tell, it’s a lot annoying, and a little sweet. So far most days the sweet still gets me through.