Accountability April, Week 3

Where am I this week? Well, I am trying to drink more water and milk and less soda. I am reading the baby’s cues about whether she is tired or not before attempting to put her in bed because it seems to be time. She still resists some, but once she had a lovey, she calmed down. Must clean the rabbit she had been gnawing on, as it is nasty.

As for being a better wife–well I asked my husband what his problem was –because when I was pregnant he was super nice to me and since the baby was born, well he hasn’t been as nice. Let’s just say I was liking being coddled in the relationship for once. He said that the last couple weeks in particular I had been very rude to him, not saying please and thank you, etc.

Thinking back, well I can’t remember saying or not saying it. I DO remember trying to RUSH to do something and he would deliberately stand in my way and then smile like it was cute. I’m running for the timer beeping like crazy, because the baby is asleep and he stands in my way and no matter how much I try to get around him, he won’t move. I get mad, then he gets REALLY pissed off when I yell at him to get out of the way. In my opinion, he should just get out of my way when something like that happens, or when I’m trying to go get the laundry or whatever. I’m not sure what he was trying to gain by that, but there is plenty of room to maneuver, so I guess it was his way of trying to force me to say excuse me. I’m positive it all started when he had to spend 3 full weeks doing homework all day and night and made me in effect a single parent for all that time. I got used to just moving as fast as possible to be as efficient as possible and now that he’s back ‘in the way’ –I keep trying to do it even when he’s there and that’s when we started clashing. He thinks I’m being rude and I think he’s the one being rude, because it’s obvious I’m in a hurry because there is literally no time to waste in a situation like that, and the potential of waking up the baby does not compare with just simply stepping out of the way, does it?

After we talked about it, I decided to try and be nicer on purpose and it seems he is trying to stay out of my way when I rush to do things. A nice balance is back again, he even helped with with laundry and dinner last night without being asked (I said thank you), and we seem to have simmered down some-I even managed to crack a joke he actually found funny. I think we’re just both severely stressed out. I usually pride myself on our good relationship, good communication, but it doesnt take much to put it off kilter sometimes. Luckily we do find balance once again.

I was watching Biggest Loser last night and they were talking to the youngest contestant on there and they were saying how there’s still a fat kid inside of him, angry, threatened, and feeling bad. I know how that feels, I wasn’t a fat kid, I was the dorky kid, the poor kid, the smart kid, the one the teachers liked, whether I liked them or not. I was respectful, polite. I didn’t cause trouble. Which caused trouble for me with all the other kids. That kid? Well that kid still is inside me, feeling ‘fat’–trying to break down that barrier is really hard. You can lose weight and look in the mirror and see a thin person, but your intelligence and sense of self doesnt really disappear like fat melts away. After this weekend of seeing some of my former frienemies and doing just fine with talking to them, thank you very much, I feel confident that my goal in that sense is being reached. I’m moving beyond all the annoyance of the past and realizing that other people’s opinions of me don’t really matter all that much. Especially people I rarely see who probably don’t think about me very often if at all. I usually don’t think of them unless I do end up ‘going home’–and even then the chance of all those feelings being stirred up is very high. Just need to push the fat out once and for all. I’m getting there.

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