For several days now, I’ve either been unable to fall asleep, or woken up and had no luck in falling back asleep for several hours. As a result, I’m exhausted, and yet, here I am, 2 hours after Matthew has fallen asleep, several hours after Keeley konked out, and I’m awake. Exhausted, but I can’t sleep, my mind is rolling. All day I feel like I can’t focus on anything, taking care of the baby is all I can manage and then I feel like I could be so awake as to write the great American novel at night, even though I’m desperately behind on rest.
It may have something to do with the fact that we made an offer on some land this week. We could be as little as 6 weeks away from our first home. It makes me very excited and nervous and confused all at the same time. Matthew’s tired of me being freaked out, but I don’t have any outlet. What’s done is done, he made the offer without telling me he was going to do it. We had kind of discussed budget, but I just want to make sure everything goes the way it should, and I have no control over it. Nothing is in my own little hands, my own future feels so far away, but it may be closer than ever. I don’t want to not focus on the days we are having now, though, as Keeley is so fun and sweet at this age. She’s started to mimic the ‘L’ sound when I say ‘I love you Keeley’. It’s all about love. I love so much and hurt so much and want so much that I can’t sleep. I’m very afraid we’ll go over budget and won’t be able to build up a safety net. These days, we need one, and we don’t currently have one. My worries are probably unfounded, but nonetheless, I worry. I can’t help it. I have faith, but I’m also scared witless.