What happens when the baby blues whack you upside the head 2 months after the baby is born? I had an awful morning, after traveling several days this week, KJ ate like a champ (nursing) twice last night, I was just astounded and thrilled. It took no time at all and she was content. She got a bottle first thing this morning because my chest was hard as a brick but I was all set to feed her again 3 hours later, and she would. not. eat. she screamed and screamed and screamed. Matthew gave her some milk out of a bottle and then she had an extreme amount of gas and seemed to quiet down and feel a lot better, but she wouldnt lay down to eat. This has happened twice lately. I had to sit her back up and eventually give her a bottle, but once the gas went away she seemed to be okay. Apparently this morning, though, I couldn’t take it. I’m not sure but my guess is that it took a good 3 hours to calm the hell down. My husband finally convinced me that yes, he and the baby still needed me, that I shouldn’t just go away and that I should probably go ahead and pump out the 3 quarts of milk that was gathering in my chest. The next time she was hungry? All fine and dandy. Good god. I wish I knew what the heck was bothering me about her being upset. I guess I’m still paranoid that she won’t nurse at all and I’ll be glued to the damn pump for the rest of my natural life (okay a year)… I’m trying to get away from using it, but she still hates the one side and won’t nurse on it unless she’s really desperate. Which is about 3 times since she’s been born. In the meantime, she is happy enough, is gaining weight and growing, which I should be thrilled about.
But for some reason this morning was hell on earth for me. I haven’t felt that bad since getting ‘home’ to that hell hole house from the hospital when I couldn’t get her to nurse. For some reason that’s all tied up in my head with being a ‘good’ mommy. I couldn’t give birth to her properly and nursing was all I had left in my head as ‘being good’ –not that people who bottle feed are bad, it’s just a personal insano thing inside my head–for me it is either I am able to nurse her or I fail. And this instance just seemed to make me snap. After a long nap for both of us (okay I didnt’ have a long nap, I dozed off and on for a little while)–everything returned to semi-normal.
Therefore my new year’s resolution will probably have something to do with being thankful for the love of god that my baby eats, poops, and sleeps (insert angel choir singing here) fairly well for a 2 month old.