Biding Time

Hi all my loyal readers! Sorry I’ve been so late in getting another post up, basically I’ve been biding time. Mr. Mouse DID get into grad school, YEAH! Good for him. For now I’m stuck working, which I guess it could be worse. Now, though, I’m going to push for an upgrade and a big fat raise. Crossing fingers, my truck should be paid off in June, and then maybe our lifestyle will upgrade a little bit. The only caveat is that if Mr. Mouse finds his dream job then we’ll book it out of here. I’m torn, I do kind of like what I’m doing, and despite numerous attempts, I can’t get into the school program I want (and if you tell anyone else I know, I’ll kill you!) because it’s so damn picky. But that’s what I really want to do 🙁 It’s very frustrating. Sometimes I wonder why in the hell I’m so smart and nice and knowledgeable (there’s a difference, ya know) and I’m stuck working as a secretary, granted, my boss really depends on me, but the pay and prestige just aren’t there. It’s not even really satisfying unless I’m completely busy, I guess I like crossing stuff off of lists, even if they are mental lists at that. And, I’m getting to the age where if I don’t start having kids, then I won’t get to have them 🙁 My boss is VERY pregnant and we did a surprise baby shower for her today, we had to reschedule it 3 times at least because of doctors’ appointments, but at least we got it done, she was VERY surprised and seemed thrilled with everything. I guess I dont’ envy her the bad parts of pregnancy, but I guess we will see how I feel once she’s got her own little bundle of joy in the office. I know with my other friends, I have harbored a secret jealousy (sorry!) for their fortune. And I have other friends that aren’t as fortunate, and that hurts. I have seen all those orphaned kids from Africa on tv recently, and just want to say, I could take care of you! I figure I’d be sucky at taking care of my own, but I’d do great at raising a kid from another culture that has nothing. I wonder why? Maybe because they’re not helpless? Maybe I figure all my classmates and my family is right and that I’m just worthless and could never raise a kid? I guess I have figured that eventually I could have a child at any time, but that may not be true. I’m torn, I want to be a good role model for my future kids (especially if they are girls) and have a good career lined up for after I’m a stay-at-home-mommy, but it looks like those dreams are probably forever crushed. It sucks, because I moved back to live with Mr. Mouse instead of going straight to grad school like I had hoped. Now it really seems like I’ve missed my chance to do it before having kids. Can any of you that have kids consider a full time job AND full time school with your kids? Somehow I don’t think so. So that means giving up some time with your kids and/or not working at the same time, so we would depend on Mr. Mouse’s job to pay a mortgage, etc. I guess it’s all the unknown, so it’s really scary, and now if we’re here for 2 years, not only am I NOT getting my degree, but I still can’t have kids yet because I have the insurance and the income, so I couldn’t stay home with them, and that’s what I want. I always knew I wouldn’t be lucky enough to have it all, but basically, now, I have NOTHING. 🙁 Sorry, just feeling sorry for myself. 2 more years of low pay, no kids, and a hubby that is so busy that you barely see each other is just so hard to handle, especially when everything you thought you wanted is gone. My husband doesn’t like me to think negatively, but can you blame me? I really want to have a decent career, but i can’t get it because of my lack of education, and I can’t get an education because I’m married and the program is prejudiced against that, and I can’t have kids because my husband is in school, and well I’m just stuck I guess… biding time.

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