It was icy and slick this morning. We went nowhere and did nothing. That’s not true, we unloaded and reloaded the dishwasher, fed and entertained the kids, watched a couple of movies, I did a few loads of laundry, changed some diapers, folded 24 out of the 27 diapers we are currently using (yes we had run 2 full loads without folding them, wow). Basically, we just WERE. Right now it doesn’t feel good to be me. My husband thinks I’m crazy. He thinks that my issue could be any number of things and that I shouldn’t worry… but I can’t look at my 2 little girls and think, wow… will they find love? What will Brennan look like with a ponytail. Struggling to read those first sentences, what will that be like for her.. and what if I’m not here to help her. What then? When Keeley goes to school but doesn’t fit in. Or if she’s the mean girl, what then? All those things I WANT to be there for. I feel like somehow I’m already letting them down. I’m already failing as their mom. I felt bad enough if I’d yelled before, now it feels like… a death sentence, like I’m hammering in nails. Like my kids will never have any good memories of me. Live or die, what will they ever see? Will they ever see me? How hard I tried? How much I wanted them to know that I loved them? I already feel like it’s too late, like I’m getting sucked further and further down. There’s no escape. I know that no matter what the doctor says, it is NOT going to be good. Maybe my brain is letting me feel this HARD this horrible this bad, so that if it’s something less that I’ll be grateful, no matter how bad the LESS thing is?
If you pray, please pray for me. If you don’t do that, then just think good thoughts.