Please comment with what one thing you would change about your life if you could!
Warning: this may be depressing, but if you’re a new reader, and want to get to know me, you might read on:
I’m doing NaBloPoMo again this year and I scrolled through the topics they suggest, one of them is the title of this post, if you could change one thing, what would it be? I’m sure there are hundreds of things that we all wish for each and every day, a new gadget, gas prices to go down, children to sleep more, etc. My mind went only one place though: the baby I lost. I know it wasn’t meant to be, that there was a health issue that stopped it, and I wouldn’t wish that sweet soul back to this earth for anything.
What I do wish though, and what I would change is that the whole ‘loss’ process would be over. I’m fine with the emotional issues, stress, and other associated ‘brain’ things. What I would like to be over is the physical things. It took a couple of weeks for the morning sickness to go. It took a while for the ‘belly hardness’ and roundness to go down. The final ‘loss’ though is getting rid of all the tissue. Most of it was gone about a month ago when the initial loss happened, but there was another big loss about 2 weeks ago when I figured it was all over with. I have to go in for repeat blood tests until my hormone levels are at zero. THEN I have to have a regular period and we can consider trying again. This ever-blasted WAITING is what I would change. I would have had the loss, had my results magically back to zero and have had a period by now so we could consider the next steps. If it doesn’t change enough, I’ll have to have surgery.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still missing that baby I carried for 11 weeks. Things said on tv, etc can still get to me. I still mourn. I want my physical body to be in line with my mental state though. I want to mourn, but be ready to go on. I want my body to ‘accept’ what my brain did 7 weeks ago in the sonogram room when there was no movement, no heartbeat. I want ‘normal’.
I would have been around 16 weeks and making a facebook announcement right about now had I still been pregnant. We would have been making plans to get the toddler ready for a big kid bed, done with nursing, and the oldest ready to share a room or have the toddler upstairs with her by talking it over, picking out comforters for the bed, etc. I would have been scanning newborn diapers during this black Friday sales, picking out an extra red and white stocking at Christmas to hang on our wall for Santa… the list goes on. There are many dreams associated with a baby (and miscarriage) and not all of them have to do with the baby. These dreams and hopes have had to change a bit in the last few weeks (as much as they changed in the few weeks before that when the pregnancy was discovered)– it’s not a comfortable thing. I’m not sure it ever will be. We’ll ‘go on’ but we won’t ever be the same. Right now, I just want healing.