I’ve never been one for ‘get this kid out of me’… and it’s not CARRYING the kid that’s the problem. Because he/she is awesome, right? My doctor promised. Lol. What the problem is.. is.. well everything else. All the symptoms.
Let’s get it all out there shall we? I’ve been hinting around at this, but this pregnancy is making.me.crazy. I know. Not driving me crazy. Making me crazy. I have enough of a rational mind to realize it. I know it’s there. I know it’s not rational, but there it is. Someone talks about their kids having nits (or advertises about it) and I’m itching for DAYS. F-ing DAYS. I know my kids are fine. I know I am fine. I know we are all fine. But it makes.me.itch. (please for the love of God don’t comment about this or use the l word or I will block you from my website. I’m not even kidding about that. It is that bad. I can’t even READ that word without freaking out. I yell at my kids not to hug other kids. It’s that bad. I have had to get off of facebook and not scroll through a day or two so I don’t see posts about it. I wish I were kidding. But I’m not. Seeing posts of other kids with Down’s syndrome freaks me out. Like my fetus is going to ‘catch’ it through the computer screen? Duh. Obviously not. But I flinch. Don’t ask. I have zero against kids with disabilities and birth defects, but even people talking about it gives me the heebie jeebies. I know these kids are special and wonderful. Their parents are saints. But thinking about it puts me in a downward spiral. It’s like slowly watching someone you love go insane through a pane of glass. But instead? It’s you.
I started out with being worried because of my experience last year. Go ahead, pick any post on there and you’ll understand what I mean. The first few weeks were okay. Then the illness dropped off (warning sign) and magically the bleeding started. Repeat ultrasound. Everything is fine. Stop worrying, your baby is just low, drink more water. Okay, fine. I had a few sane weeks. Then we had floods around here. A mouse got in. Oh my lord. What a mess one critter can make. I had to deal with it on my own because my husband was out of town. Then the ants invaded. I scoured everything top to bottom for weeks after that. Shortly after that I found out I had placenta previa. Then I found ants in another spot. (thankfully that one was all my fault, I brought the hummingbird feeder in, and they had been making a home in there, so once I squished the ones that had escaped, that was over with- it still gave me the creeps for weeks). Then… placenta previa, you know where you could bleed out and die if no one finds you. Awesome. Shortly after that? My scalp got super dry (itch anyone? this doesn’t help my paranoia AT ALL) and I started putting on TONS of weight. 2 months later my pp cleared up and now I have gestational diabetes.
It’s been one ‘crisis’ after another and it’s really wearing on my sanity. At least having no sleep I’ve been through before. The annoying itching should clear up and ease my mind a LOT with the drop in estrogen after the birth. The gestational diabetes should cease to be a problem, too. Obviously, this baby is not done baking….and I feel SO BAD about not being able to enjoy it, but it feels like it’s one crappy thing after another. At least with a sweet, sweet baby to hold, and feed, and keep me from sleeping, I will have NO TIME to freak out.. and I’m guessing if it’s brought on by hormones, that once they dip it will decrease, as well.
If it doesn’t, then we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. In the meantime I’m trying a new dandruff or scalp irritation type of shampoo which has helped a LOT. I have started talking to myself (only inside my head, and only ONE voice) when I get that panicked feeling–if I can yell at myself louder than the paranoia, then I do okay. Sometimes I even say ‘stop it’ out loud to myself. I may have to stay offline sometimes because of triggers, and distract myself as much as possible… but I will get through until this baby is done baking. I will figure out the gestational diabetes diet. I will continue to organize the house for baby. I will yell at the paranoia. I will conquer ALL of this.
Ami
I guess the consolation is that you’re not crazy. Well, okay, you ARE, but it’s temporary. Things will return to normal. Or rather your new normal, because you’re going to have a sweet little one to hold and snuggle up with really soon. (reminding self it’s time to dye…)
I had some moments of crazy during both pregnancies. Perhaps I’ll blog about it. I haven’t figured out tonight’s topic yet anyway.
Hang in there.
Allen
This is crytasl clear. Thanks for taking the time!